Rant much?

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Have you ever felt like the very foundation of being human is fundamentally flawed?

I couldn’t help but write this down. I know life isn’t a mathematical equation with clear steps, but there must be a better framework than the one we were handed—especially when it comes to almost everything.

When I say *everything*, I mean it. 
Fear of vulnerability, fear of being judged, fear of mediocrity, fear of not achieving society’s expectations, fear of losing people, fear of having to be perfect, fear of not finding "the one," and if found, fear of losing them. 
Fear of disappointing our parents, fear of falling behind in the rat race, fear of hurt and betrayal, fear of not being understood, fear of not belonging, fear of ending up alone, fear of being broke, fear of not accumulating enough wealth, and fear of the unknown. Yes, the unknown. And yet, why do we live in fear when it’s based on something that isn’t even certain?

We’ve been conditioned our whole lives to live within a “safe zone,” and that’s what creates all this fear. And that, my friend, marks the end of freedom—of emotional depth, of endless possibilities, of different ways of living, of authenticity, and of the many things we could have discovered.

I wish we had simply been told to *live*. To just live.

Earlier this evening, I revisited some notes from a training that didn’t make sense to me at the time. But now, as I went through them again, I understood every step. It made me reflect on how much of what I’ve been taught since childhood no longer makes sense.

The steps were flawed. And now, I have to unlearn and redo everything, just to make *some* sense of this life. 
*Some* sense. Phew!

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Random musing

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Bahut si baatein is akelepan mein zehan mein aati hain ya shayad isse tanhai (solitude) ka aaghaz keh sakte hain. Mujhe lagta hai hum apne aap par kisi bhi tareeke se tag nahi lagana chahte. Jaise, mera pehla khayaal yeh hai ke koi na jaane ke main kitna vulnerable state mein hun ye likhte waqt. Jaise main kahin peechay chhup jaun. Jaise koi mujhe define na kar le sirf isse.

Is tarah ke khayal mujhe ye ehsaas dilate hain ke meri societal-acceptance ek aisi conditioning se panpi hai jahan har tarah ke jazbati aur zehni patterns par ek tag lag chuka hai. Ab yeh jo naming convention tha, shayad sirf tafreeq ke liye tha, par ab isse aapka poora characterisation kar diya jaata hai.

Jaise, agar aap vulnerable hain, apni baat kehna jaante hain, toh aap needy samjhe jaate hain. Agar aap practical hain, aap calculative hain, toh aapko matlabi kaha jaata hai. Agar aap impulsive hain, short tempered hain, toh aap immature bhi kehlaaye ja sakte hain. Aap reactive aur responsive ke farq ko samajhte hue bhi kabhi kabhi cheezon par react kar jaate hain. But all of this will be elevated above your true personality.

Mujhe lagta hai ke in sabhi patterns ka ek 'kal' hota hai, aur inke aage bhi ek aane wala 'kal' hai. Aur jo shakhs is 'kal' se guzar kar banta hai, usi ko growth kehte hain. Transitions ke dauran, hum aksar ek doosre ko judge karte hain, rather than just letting be.

Har koi ek transition phase mein hai. Koi final point hai hi nahi—yeh samajhne ki zarurat hai.Aap har din badlenge, aur yahi is safar ki khoobsurati hai. 

Look beyond, create safe spaces, judge less,

Love more.

xoxo

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A day spent with you.....

That amazing rain.

That lovely breeze.

Did you get wet?

Oh! I bet !

Sweet giggle and the hot rasam.

Funny was that bitter cherry.

The season is at its best!

Merry ! Merry ! Merry !

The adorable innumerable slaps.

I saw a happy child  playing in the water.

and he claps !

I walk ,walk  and walk...

Barefoot in the grass !

The water slips away as I gave it a tap..

What feel.. What love..

I thought, If I could have a lovely nap..

It's then, What now..

I'm amazed and mumming, Wow !

Wow! Wow!

Nothingness

The darkness inside,
to the core of my heart.
I feel bare,
and dry.
Emerging smoke of the white pipe,
it's light,
holds me when I cry.
Deadly glow of that face,
near the end,
haunts Life.
but not "I".
Strangest is my path.
need not a mate,
Adam,
He becomes ! Why?
Up there, is a Master,
painted a Man,
his "Art",
wants all the glory,
to go far up,
and fly. (Icarus)
Come, there be a time..
where my quest ends.
I feel numb.
Nothingness.
--
A beam of light,
Heavenly!
a blurr image,
of my soul,
I see.
as I drank rye.. (whiskey)

----xxx----

I delve...

I thought about this void which comes and goes every now and then in life.
Thought of keeping it..
Thought of getting rid of it..
Then thought of just staying with it.
Felt no easy..
Felt restless.
You think, there's any way to move on..?
Well, may be..
But do I want to..?
Sometimes, Yes !
No, I want to go back !
Could I just stay here?
I guess, No !
Actually, I can't.
On a crossroad again..
I'm lost.
I still delve...

Starry Night..

A road so long...

      And a beautiful song....

Moon with stars....

      Sky so far.....

In the midst of this beautiful night.....
      I smile .. Oh! What delight...!

I know, the past is gone.....
      ...But I no longer want to move on.....

I look at the moonbeam.....
     There I go again and I dream....


( I wrote this one while getting back home from office at 1'o clock at night...)
PS: It was raining  and the weather was amazing !!